my first girlfriend...

i met stefanie in the first few weeks of winter quarter my freshman year. we are no longer dating - and as a matter of fact, we are roommates - but she was my first girlfriend, my first love, and my first experience with a broken heart. we met mostly because we are both nerds. stefanie had some bad experiences with her housemates, and i let her stay in my place while things were getting sorted out. nothing much happened until after spring break that year, however. we started dating in April. she is very closeted, so for a while it was only her and i who knew about the relationship. even our close friends didn't know! (this ended up being a pretty big mistake.) we connected in so many ways...we are both completely ridiculous people, and among other nicknames for each other, she is a 'mongoose' and i am a 'creepy hen'. unfortunately, only about two months into our relationship, tension started to set in. i am the type of person who enjoys security, loyalty, and lots of attention - while she was starting to feel suffocated. stupidly, i agreed that she could play around a bit during the summer, as i was going to be back in ann arbor - and this resulted in her pulling away from me. she started dating another girl, whom she had met while we were still dating. i don't want to go into details, so as not to totally tarnish her reputation and because it will bring up bad feelings, which aren't so existent anymore. we hadn't really broken up yet, but i knew something was coming - i just wish there had been a little more communication with ME about that! anyways...we had made arrangements even before we started our relationship to live together with two other girls on campus. the other girls didn't know about our relationship at all - so needless to say, the first few weeks of school were quite bizarre. the new girlfriend (who is actually a completely fabulous person, and also from ann arbor!) was coming over, and it was entirely traumatic for me. i first broke down and told our other roommates - who were surprised and at the same time angry for being lied to - and then i told stefanie that her new girlfriend could not come over. i was not okay with it. (luckily i have my own bedroom, but still!) the following months were awful. i didn't quite know what i wanted from stefanie - i felt completely ignored but at the same time didn't even know if i wanted to be on the same planet as her! i definitely didn't want to date her again, but i still was going through a process of hurting and bitterness, and living with her made it come to the surface all that much more. it was also difficult because she didn't seem to be hurting from lack of anna. essentially, things are much, much better right now than they have been. we're sharing the same silliness that we had before, and it's possible to have wonderful conversations with her that don't end in horrible arguments. i still get a little bitter when certain subjects come up, and she gets utterly defensive as well, but i think those will get better with time. UPDATE (feb. 2, 2004): well, nearly two years have passed since we started dating and we now live in separate dwellings. we see each other every once in a while for dinner, and there have been some rough spots but mostly it's good. i've learned to get out of situations when i feel uncomfortable, and i let her know when she's driving me nuts. i haven't dated anyone else yet.

home at last
·
hey nineteen